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The whole vast expanse of the cosmos lies before me, around me, even right in the midst of my beating heart if I will but awaken. Far too often I bury myself deep in distraction, busy-ness, "productivity" or whatever you wish to call it. Why? Because it's easy. Because it's what I know. Even the most pointless, mundane routine or habit can oftentimes seem preferable to change or real growth. Spiritual growing pains are at least as uncomfortable as physical ones, and they are usually far more trying. They remind me that I am not meant to remain on my current spiritual plane any more than I am meant to eat baby food or play with rattles.
When I allow in the light of truth, even if by accident, I no longer see myself as a busy, tired, frequently frustrated and less than confident child who keeps striving for real adulthood. What I see lies outside of myself. God seems to want me to read myself according to the great and awesome reality that does not come from or depend upon me. I am part of something much bigger, much more enduring and adventurous than my own tiny piece of it. My entire existence is part of a story - The Story
God wills me out of absolute nothingness. From shadows and emptiness He calls me out into light and love. He calls my name. He speaks me into existence, sustains me at each moment, and He bears me up along the ofttimes crooked and dangerous road. He is my source, my guide, my friend, and my deepest love.
I often ponder all of this and ask, "Why?" Why me? Why here, now, this life, this personality, these flaws and sins, these talents and gifts and dreams and desires? Could I ever know? Is my mind even capable of really knowing myself? I always seem to have so many more questions than answers, but perhaps that in itself is a clue for me to ponder.
I must ask, for I am not God, and He is! My very yearning for answers bespeaks an undeniable truth that I am not my own end, and my purpose, my dignity, my meaning comes not from me, but from Him. I rely entirely on Him. I trust in Him. I love and adore Him, the God who breathes me into being and to Whom I return with my departing breath.
